Moving Forward With Loss


I will never forget how excited my husband and I were to know that we were expecting our first child. I found out one week before Christmas and decided that I would surprise him Christmas Day. I was so excited, as soon as the clock read 12AM Christmas Day I brought over his gift. He opened it to see the positive stick, a onesie and a book on becoming a dad.  Although we were filled with joy and excitement, we knew we had to wait until after the first trimester to tell family and friends. 

We made it through the first trimester with a couple of scares but baby was healthy and growing and we were ready to tell the world. We told family and family (honestly, we told any and everyone). 


I woke up one day and just felt so fatigued, and as I went around doing little chores around the house I would feel liquid coming down my legs. I had a terrible feeling and immediately called my Obstetrician (OB). They asked me many questions including one that made me feel like I might possibly have an infection but I was told it could just be urine and that happens to pregnant women. I will pause here to say,

Whether you have an OB or a Midwife it is important that you build a connection, find someone who believes a mothers instincts, works in partnership with you, and has a heart of a teacher. Always advocate for yourself and your baby. Trust your instincts. You are not just a patient, you're a person, a human being carrying another human being.

Fast forward to 2 days later. I started to have the worst cramps I've ever felt. I decided that I would go take a shower, put my feet up and rest, and if it didn't go away in 15 minutes we would go to the ER. While in the bathroom, I felt something coming down like a water ballon and then next sound I heard was *POP* and water all over. I knew in that moment that was it. When we got to the ER, Grace still had a heartbeat but little to no amniotic fluid. We went back home to "wait".


The next day we were back in the hospital because I went into labor. It was time to do something that I never imagined could be possible. Go through all the steps of labor, push out a baby, but not get to take her home. Grace was beautiful. She had my nose, my eyes, my feet, her dad's ears. As I held her, I thought about everything we would never get to do or see. That day we also found out we don't get a funeral nor a death certificate because she was 17 weeks  which is not considered "death"; it's only considered a miscarriage before 20 weeks in the state of Florida.


1. GOD

"God is my refuge and strength, an ever-present help in the times of trouble" (Psalm 46:1). On the days where I couldn't move or think, or when at times it felt like I couldn't breathe, I just asked God to do those things for me. HE is my one and only constant. I did the only thing I knew how to do: be still, know that he is God and ask him to drag me out of this grief and make me whole again. God is within me, I will not fail (Psalm 46:5) 


I realized very quickly that there was truly only one person who understood what I was going through in the moment because he was going through the same thing and that was my husband. I clung onto him some days for hope, for breath, for survival, for prayer, for understanding, for everything and for nothing. We talked less and looked at each other more. I realized the selflessness of the man that I married; He put my grief before his. We grieved differently but we were all each other had. 


Process your emotions. Whatever they are. Process them, fully, and don't bury them don't hide them. Process.


My one regret that I still carry till this day is that I didn't fight hard enough. I knew something was wrong but I allowed someone who didn't take the time to know me or my situation tell me that I was wrong and that my nerves as a first time mom was the reason I was "freaking out". This one is still a process for me to give myself grace (*sigh* Grace). It was not my fault, I did nothing wrong. It is NOT your fault, you did nothing wrong.


I struggled with moving on because it seemed like I was leaving Grace behind. How dare I ask God for another baby, I want Grace! I sat in the grieving process for a year trying to find my way out of depression because I could not see myself "moving on". Then, I decided "NO, I will NOT move on, I will move forward." Day by day, I would do something new. Day 1 of moving forward was shower and brush my hair. What is your Day 1? Let's move forward together. Leave a comment below. What will you do Day 1? 

1 comment

  • Amber

    Thanks for this post I lost my baby at 14 weeks last month I was just on Pinterest looking for anything to help me stop crying and to see if this has happened to anything else. My day one I’ll get out of bed

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